Chaos to calm: Understanding the difference between empathy and compassion S3 E9

In this episode, Jenni talks about the differences between compassion and empathy. She asks whether we need it, if we can build and grow it, and addresses some of the myths around empathy, especially when it comes to leadership. She also discusses how trust links to leadership and how this is all connected. Jenni looks at different aspects to consider when you are trying to build and grow empathy or if you are advising leaders on how they might want to do things a little differently.

Things that will help you go from chaos to calm:

Poles Apart by Alison Goldsworthy, Laura Osborne and Alexandra Chesterfield

7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey

Empathy: Why it matters, and how to get it by Roman Krznaric

Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

You can continue the conversation with Jenni on Twitter and LinkedIn

Transcript for this podcast:

Welcome to this episode of Redefining Comms with me, Jenni Field. Today, I’m going to be talking about the difference between empathy and compassion. It’s something that’s often confused, and as I’ve been researching more about empathy over the last year or so, it’s important to be clear about language and meaning, especially when it comes to leadership. 

Now, I’ve been reading more about it on the back of the pandemic when there was a lot of discussion about leaders needing to be more empathetic. There were several articles written about it being a core trait needed, and it was a real shift away from some of those more traditional views of leadership.

But something about throwing the word empathy around just didn’t really sit well with me, and I think because of the pressure on leaders being already huge, and then in the pandemic. Even more intense just made me feel like we were piling more onto a group of people who were already feeling somewhat isolated and unsupported. 

So, when it comes to empathy, I really wanted to explore what it really means, you know, how it differs from things like compassion. Why do we need empathy? Can we build and grow empathy? And also delve into some of the myths around it that I really want to address. 

So, I’m going to be talking about all of that in this episode. We’re going to talk about what empathy is. We’re going to talk about what compassion is. We’re going to bring in links to trust in leadership because it’s all really connected. And I want to make sure that if you’re looking at this, there’s lots of different things you can think about if you’re looking to build or grow empathy, or if you’re advising leaders in how they might want to do things a little bit differently. 

What is empathy and can it cause chaos?

So, let’s start with looking at empathy. Let’s define it and then let’s talk a bit about the chaos that can come when there isn’t any.

So, empathetic communication is important for building better interpersonal relationships. You know, we have to remember that our concerns are not everyone’s concerns. And that’s really where empathy comes in. You know, and importantly, empathy can deepen friendships. It can create new ones. It can improve quality of life. And it’s also been suggested that it’s a bit of a force that can shift social and political landscape.

So, it’s very powerful as a concept. And there are two types of empathy. There is cognitive and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy is about perspective taking. It’s about understanding another person’s emotions. Whereas affective empathy is often called experience sharing. So it’s your own emotional alignment to another person’s experience. 

Cognitive empathy is the combination of compassion and empathy. And it’s the most effective approach to creating meaningful connection. Now, compassion is not just a feeling. It includes action. And it’s about shared humanity. When I look at compassion and empathy in all the reading that I’ve done, compassion is something that’s more of a regular practice because it’s about action. Whereas empathy is a skill set that’s a tool of compassion, so they are linked, but they are quite different.

What I loved about the research and the reading was the insight that empathy is not walking in someone else’s shoes. And that’s often how it’s described. Because actually, empathy is about really listening to someone. It’s really listening to their experience and really believing them, even if it doesn’t match your own experience. 

And this is how we really make sort of true connections. And it links into things like team friction that I talk about. It links into remote work and so many of the challenges that are facing organisations and society today. And it actually made me think about the book Poles Apart that I read.

And I’ll pop a link in the show notes to that because that’s talking about how people are pulled apart and how you can bring them back together. But if empathy is about really listening to someone, listening to their experience and then believing them regardless, then that’s a skill set that I think everyone really needs to work on, not just leaders, but everybody. 

And when I reflect on empathy in that way, I sort of go back to the pandemic and that ask of leaders where it was leaders need to be more empathetic. But actually, I think what we were looking for was compassion. I think people wanted to see that regular practice, that regular action that is compassion.

So, do we want leaders to be more empathetic? Do we want them to show more compassion? And if it’s genuinely empathy, then how are we helping leaders develop the skills around listening? That’s really the cornerstone to empathy as well.

So, I think they are intertwined. But I think we have to be clear about which one we’re really asking leaders to do, because I definitely feel that in the pandemic, it was about action. And that’s what people wanted to see was action being taken. And that’s maybe what wasn’t happening. 

So, where does chaos happen? 

Well, it can happen when we confuse sympathy with empathy, and we focus on feeling sorry for other people. It can happen when we judge other people. It can happen when we minimise others’ experiences, when we compare an experience with something else. So, this was much better, this was much worse. We can get a bit chaotic if we’re just trying to fix things all the time before we understand really what’s going on. Chaos can come if we’re not making time to listen. It can be there if we’re saying one thing and behaving in another way so that they’re not really aligned. And it can also happen where there aren’t any boundaries. So there’s lots of ways chaos can start to happen where there isn’t any empathy or compassion, and where we’re maybe sort of breaking down some of those relationships. 

How can you truly build empathy or compassion?

Now, when it comes to building empathy or building compassion, I want to share two things with you. The first is the six habits of highly empathetic people. And then I want to talk about the four things that you could do straight away to start working on your compassion and your empathy if it’s something that you want to look at. And I’ve popped links in the show notes to the books and information that has helped me shape my thinking here and the different content. 

So, the six habits come from the book Empathy. And I’ve also been reading some more work by Dr. Brené Brown around emotions from her book Atlas of the Heart. So there’s lots of different links in the show notes that if you want to read more about empathy and the difference between empathy and compassion, and how you might want to help leaders, there’s some links in there to help you. 

Now, the six habits of highly empathetic people are…

1. Switch on your empathetic brain. 

So, shifting your mental framework to recognise the empathy is at the core of human nature and that it can be expanded. It’s something we can all build. And I think that’s really important. You’re not sort of born with a finite amount of empathy. It’s something we can all develop and build. 

2. Making the imaginative leap.

Now, this is making a conscious effort to understand others’ experiences. And this has to include people that we don’t really like very much, because that allows us to acknowledge their humanity and their individuality and their perspectives as well. 

3. Seeking experiential adventures. 

So, exploring lives in cultures that contrast to your own. And you can do that through lots of different ways, whether it’s travelling, whether it’s speaking to other people, there’s lots of different ways to do that.

4. Having conversation. 

It’s around fostering a sort of curiosity about strangers. It’s about really listening to people. That is the art of conversation. It does include listening and often we can forget that.

5. Travelling in your armchair. 

And I loved this one because it basically proved that you could transport yourself into other people’s minds with the help of art and literature and film. And that really helps you become more empathetic, which I think is great. 

6. Inspire a revolution. 

So, generating empathy on a mass scale to create social change. So, this is where we talked about empathy being such a driving force for societal and political change. You can do that when you start to do it en masse. 

What are the four things you need to work on to build empathy?

So, if we can develop skills around both empathy and compassion, there are four things that I think we need to work on.

Thank you for listening!

Now, in the next episode, I’m going to be talking about how to know if leadership is for you. There’ve been lots of books focused on leadership and how it’s something anyone can do. There’s a leader in all of us, a lot of those things. But actually, there are also some things about how we behave and our own traits that we need to be aware of if we want to embark on a leadership journey. 

So, I’m going to be sharing some different definitions of leadership. I’m going to explore the difference between leadership and management, different leadership styles, and some broader insights into behaviours and how it all links together. And it will also touch on trust and credibility as well.

So, thank you for listening. I’d love to continue this conversation on Twitter or LinkedIn. And you can also join my community by subscribing to my mailing list. So, please connect, ask questions and share your thinking with me. There are details in the show notes on how to stay in touch.