In my new book I explore what I believe are the eight practices of a credible leader and, in this, the latest of a series of blogs based on each of these practices, I’m going to explore one of the most problematic…
Likeability.
Undoubtedly, good leaders need to be likeable. But it’s a concept that many people find uncomfortable.
Do you need everyone to like you to be a good leader? No.
But, if you’re completely unlikeable, will you be thought of as a credible leader and someone people will follow? Also, no.
In this blog I’m going to look at the importance of likeability, what exactly is meant by it in relation to the role of a leader, what happens when you’re not likeable, and the things you can do to build your own likeability.
What is a likeability leader?
When we talk about likeability in a leader, what we’re not talking about is trying to be everyone’s friend.
Being likeable is not the same as being liked. It’s not a popularity contest. But it is impossible to be a credible leader if you are truly unlikeable.
If you’re likeable, people like being around you. That’s it. They like the approach you take to dealing with things and can see that you’re a decent human being.
Characteristics like charisma and light-heartedness are mentioned repeatedly when talking about likeability and are, undoubtedly, part of it.
But, where things get problematic is when we mistake likeability for being liked by everyone. I often hear leaders say: “I want everyone to like me”, especially if they’ve been promoted from the team up into a leadership position.
But, hard truth here, not everyone will like you when you lead. And, if they do, you’re probably doing it wrong.
Your leadership style won’t be for everyone, and it shouldn’t be. In fact, if you’re too likeable and everyone thinks you’re great, the chances are your credibility rating will be lower than others. You can’t be everything to everyone, and trying to do this often means you end up diluting things so much you become nothing to anyone.
Getting the balance right
What is important to think about when it comes to this practice is the distinction between being ‘likeable’ and being ‘liked’.
We don’t need to be liked to succeed, and if we can detach ourselves from that need it will help us. If we don’t, our decision making will be impacted and our ability to have tough conversations will affected, as we won’t say what we truly mean.
Biologically, we all want to be liked. It’s part of being a human being – we want to be accepted by the group or tribe. This need for acceptance is hardwired into our brains from an early age, partly because we’re dependent on others for our survival from the day we’re born. It’s this need for others that drives our need to be liked by others, and it’s what will let us down as leaders.
However, and I think this is where this practice gets complicated, we do need to be likeable. Getting the balance right between being likeable and detaching ourselves from that need for everyone to like us, is not necessarily an easy concept.
The power of likeability
Likeability can get you a long way – think of some of the greatest con artists in history—Charles Ponzi, Anna Delvy (made famous by Netflix series Inventing Anna), and Simon Leviev (the “Tinder Swindler”, also on Netflix). How were they able to get people to follow them? Purely because they were likeable. They had charisma and charm, and people wanted to be a part of their worlds.
Yes, these are extreme examples, but – and this is a big but – things did not end well for them because, ultimately, they possessed none of the other qualities of a credible leader. You can’t rely on likeability alone because without the other traits, (namely ‘capability’ based on the above examples!) it won’t work.
Make sure you have more to offer than simply charisma and charm or people will soon see through you.
What is the chaos that happens if you don’t have likeability?
When you’re not likeable people just won’t agree with you – they will want to go in a different direction and as a leader, we want people to be aligned to what we are doing and where we are going. If you lack likeability, this will be harder to do.
Importantly, alignment doesn’t necessarily mean that people need to agree with each other or think the same. It’s about agreeing a way forward that everyone commits too. When everyone’s agreed on a direction, decisions and actions can happen.
When this doesn’t happen, chaos can show up in the form of:
- Wasted time on projects and initiatives that don’t support the business strategy
- Lack of understanding about the strategy and purpose of the organisation
- Not knowing why you’re doing the work you’re doing
- Deliberately spending time on other projects because they don’t like what you’re doing
How do you build likeability as a leader?
I believe the three main characteristics of a likeable leader are being light-hearted, having charisma, and, more generally, being agreeable.
This doesn’t come naturally to everyone but if you’re looking to increase your likeability there are things you can do to help with this:
Explain why – For people to agree with your plan and where you want to go, they need to know why you’re doing what you’re doing. This helps us align everything into one direction. Explain the why behind the actions, and make sure you demonstrate how the actions link to your organisation’s values and beliefs.
Be positive, but realistic – People need their leaders to be positive, but I’m not talking toxic positivity here. Bring some hope to conversations and make sure people can see a way forward with you. Don’t bring things down, but have a realism that helps people stay grounded. If we’re continually negative it can make it very difficult for people to agree with us, like us and follow us.
Be curious – Have an interest in what others are saying and make sure they feel this. Ask questions, take notes and be present with them in the room. Make people feel truly seen and heard, not overlooked or dismissed.
Click here to find out more about our research into credible leaders, the new book Nobody Believes You: Become a Leader People Will Follow and to take our Credibility Gap Assessment and see how you fare when it comes to credibility right now.
Or to listen to the latest episode of the Redefining Communications with Jenni Field podcast, where I explore the concept of likeability, click here.
